an itch you can’t scratch

I’ve done a lot of growing in the last year. So much so, my life doesn’t seem to fit quite like it used to. I’m sure you know the feeling: that sensation of having an itch you can’t quite scratch everywhere at once, like a snake shedding its skin.

As I was talking with my roommate last night, we arrived at that old proverb that says, “Do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you’ve always got.”

I’ve written here about giving up on various writing project over the years. For the first time in a long time, the thought of giving up writing altogether has crossed my mind. I’ve spun my wheels for so long and if I’m honest with myself, I wonder what it’s been for. My picture of success is different than it was ten years ago, five years ago, even just one year ago.

As I’ve made a few recent attempts to shape the future, I’ve had to ask myself hard questions. “What does success look like? Do I want to be doing what I’m doing? What is this for? What do I want?”

That last one especially is harder now to answer than ever before. For the first time in my entire life, I don’t know.

I don’t have an answer.